extroversion & solitude.

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When the husband is away for Valentine’s Day…

The wife sits at home and watches Netflix for hours on end. I blame auto-play. And a lack of self-control.

This weekend had a lot of potential. Señor was in Texas having brother bonding time while I had the apartment to myself. I could have crafted. I could have worked way ahead on homework. I could have been the domestic dream queen.

Instead, I sat. And sat and sat and sat and sat.

I admit–I was a little pathetic most of the weekend. Grant was away and my typical weekend structure was shot. Sure, I had a few plans. My beautiful friends, Mark and Lauren even let me crash their Valentine’s Day. But some plans fell through and some never came to fruition because of homework. I even made the conscious choice to just stay home all afternoon on Sunday. But I was mostly alone this weekend.

What I didn’t realize is that I totally I needed it.

I can be obnoxiously extroverted. When I make plans to hang out with people, my heart literally warms at the thought. It is energizing and the best part of my day.

I can also be uncharacteristically introverted. I crave time alone. I need space to just think–or not think (though this is nearly impossible, amiright, ladies?). I did not used to always be like this. In college, I thought spending an evening alone made me an old cat lady. Minus the cat thing because I’m allergic. I also hate them. I digress.

Being alone sounded terrifying. Why would I opt for solitude when I could be with PEOPLE. Happy, joyful, make-me-laugh-til-I-pee-myself people! It’s glorious. And it’s also an easy mask to hide behind.

Too much time around people means less time with me. We live with ourselves everyday. Obviously. But how often do we place ourselves in the type of solitude that really forces us to see ourselves fully–the raw, uncensored parts of ourselves that we rarely allow others to see?

This weekend, I realized how uncomfortable I am to just be alone and how I need to do it anyway. It forces me to slow down, take a look at the state of my heart, and quiet my frantic mind. It allows God the space to speak. It forces me to shift my identity back to Him and away from my activities or relationships with others. Solitude evokes a stirring anxiousness in my heart that only Jesus can calm.

Solitude is so hard. But it is so necessary for this extroverted woman.