30 pages in.

I like to read.

Umm…I mean I like starting books, getting a few chapters in and forgetting about it. Somewhere between the wicker bin next to my bed and  endless heap of papers on our kitchen “table” (We don’t have chairs. It’s not a real table. It’s just a collecting station), books get lost. Suddenly they’re out of sight, out of mind and I’m telling myself, “I should read. Time for a new book!”

Silliness.

About 30 pages into a book, you’re just at the point where you’re learning characters, the general tone of the book, and could say you have a superficial knowledge of what it’s about. It’s just enough to grab your attention–Is that character important? Why would he say something so controversial? Oo, that point is super convicting; do I wanna keep reading? It’s right before the nitty gritty, but just far enough in to think it may be worth reading more. This is about when I stop.

I’m proud to say I did finish reading Cold Tangerines last weekend–an accomplishment I haven’t claimed in months–and have moved on to Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning. And wouldn’t you know it, I’m about 30 pages in.

He just started talking about “the Imposter”, the side of our self that portrays an image, a facade, to others who keeps the deepest and most vulnerable part of ourselves hidden in shame or fear. It gives people a false sense of who we are and a superficial glimpse at our true selves. It’s a “30-pages-in” look into your heart but keeps people about 120 pages away from knowing your true self.

Whoa.

How I approach reading books tends to be similar to the way I approach, or rather control, my relationships with people. They’re allowed to get a few chapters in, but if I feel like there’s too much being revealed…book closed. You want to know my true vulnerable side? That’s chapter 10, honey. My past hurts? Oh, I cover that in chapter 17. You’re at chapter 3, and I like keeping you there. I’ll chock it up to insecurity, fear, guilt, judgment from others, people-pleasing…shall I keep going?

Aren’t we just so human? We love portraying to others the cover and the first few pages of ourselves for fear that if they know more, it’ll change their opinion of us. What if I let them read further? What if they influenced my deeper thoughts and feelings? What if I finally let go of control and allowed others to delve further into the book of Laura?

{Side note} If I was a book, I’d be named “From a B+ to an A-lister”. It’s catchy.

This is a picture of all the books I have started within the last 6 months and am only about 20-30 pages into. But today, I’m challenging myself to go deeper. To read further. To explore without fear of what change they may bring.

And in my relationships, I present the same challenge. How many pages will I let you read?

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2 thoughts on “30 pages in.

  1. Beautiful writing, dearest. I think most of us who know you well would attest that “30 pages in” you are just as lovely and engaging as in “chapter 1”. Love you.

  2. Pingback: known. | TheStrongOnes

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